Confessions Of A Five Year Pregnancy

            Confessions of a 5 year pregnancy 

              (or how to survive 4 kids in 5 years)

Tears streaming down my face, I sat in the parking lot of the doctor’s office, “how” oh “how” could it be, I was pregnant AGAIN? I already had 3 kids with the youngest being barely 6 months old. Ok, I knew “how” it happened, my husband and I really liked each other, but this was not in the plan. I was just 25yrs old and I had things I needed to do including finishing school and helping add to the family income.

My emotions were out of control and I felt overwhelmed, how was I going to handle one more child? Shame and guilt washed over me,both because what would people think and because I had a friend who all she wanted to be was pregnant and couldn't conceive. On top of that my husband was between jobs and I wasn't sure how we would even be able to pay the doctors’ bills.

“Ruth this is amazing I am so excited that God is adding to our family” my sweet husband reassured me with his strong arms wrapped around me.

At that moment I heard the voice of my savior “Do you trust me?”

This was certainly not the first time nor even the last time that I would NEED to trust God. I have heard that same voice over and over again through the years, always with love and compassion, never accusing or condemning. “Will you trust Me?” He waited patiently as I resolved to look to Him and not to what I knew or felt, that scary day in front of the doctor’s office.

There a few things that I have learned about trusting God over my years of being a mom. I know that there are more lessons to come, but being a mom has taught me some of the most valuable ones.

   Trust begins when we are at the end ourselves

      One of my life verses has been Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.

Understanding is one of those things that actually get in the way of trusting God, now I am not telling you to check your brain at the door but honestly we have so much information coming in all the time that it can be overwhelming. In age of twitter, Facebook, instagram, pinterest and let us not forget the ever popular Google, where do we even begin?

“Home birth vs hospital birth”

“Home school vs Christian school vs public school”

“Vaccinate vs don’t vaccinate”

“Breastfed vs bottle fed”

 Information overload can be the enemy to the good that God wants to download to us. I googled motherhood and came up with about 31,500,000 results in about 0.52 seconds 

I am all for getting information to help us make wise decisions but we need to be in tuned to what  God wants us to do for our children. For me that day in the car my husband’s reassurance was an open door to listen to the one who loved me the most, Jesus. I needed to be still and know that God was in control.

I knew we would be ok I did not know “how” but I knew we would. I was at the end of what I “knew” which is the beginning of trust. We begin in a place of trust.

    Trust is based on what God says, not what I see

The thing about trust is, it is not about me. I am basically a trustworthy person but honestly I have let lots of people down, from my husband to my best friend and my children. Why? Because I am not perfect and never claimed to be, most of the time it has been unintentional but I still have let people down.

God on the other hand is worthy of our trust. He is good and he knows what is best for me. His promise is that he will never leave us or forsake us, this does not mean we won’t go through hard times but when we do he will be there walking right beside us. I know this because after 50+ years of following Jesus, He has never let me down. I have learned that He truly does have my best interest at heart. Oh it doesn’t always feel like it, but then I have also learned that trusting in my emotions over trusting in God is not always a good thing. Can you say “PMS” ?

   Trust is what brings me into intimacy with God

Years ago I heard the definition of intimacy as “Into me you see” All humans and women in particular want to be known. I have had opportunity to travel all over the world and I have yet to meet a woman who truly doesn’t desire to be known for who she is.

Trust for most of us can be a scary thing because in order to trust we need to be vulnerable. When I am vulnerable with God it opens up a dialog in which I can be my authentic self.  On the days when my authentic self is quite honestly ugly is when I feel the most loved. It is in those times when I trust God to enter into  my broken places, he comes in and heals those hurts.

Trust leads to opportunities

When we trust Him he opens doors that no man can shut. When we let go of our need for control, (I am still working on this one daily) He can take us where we need to go.

When I was in high school and college I had my life all planned out and it was a good plan to help people but it did not really include 4 kids in 5 years but if I had taken my path instead of the path God had for me I would not have these kids along with their spouses who God is using to change a generation. 

Proverbs 3:6 In all your ways acknowledge him,
    and he will make your paths straight.

Fast forward 27 years and I know that what I learned during my time as mom has set my course for what God is using me for today.

I learned how to be quiet in the midst of the chaos of 4 kids in 5 years. I learned that quiet time doesn’t need to be this crazy formula but needs to be intentional for my sanity and it became habit and I talk to God all the time and most times I even listen to His loving response.

 I learned that my accolades do not come from man (or child). My kids did not regularly thank me for wiping snotty noses, changing diapers, staying up all night with them when they had the flu, but they have all grown into amazing young adults who love God and love each other.

I learned that I will grow weary but my God is sufficient and will meet my needs when I am running on less than 4 hours of sleep. I have learned that though I grow weary in my body that I do not need to grow weary in doing well for others.

I learned that my circumstances do not need to dictate my feelings or emotions and that when I keep my eyes on Jesus, He works things together for his good and my good.

I learned to never ever to assume that I know it all.

Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
    don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
    he’s the one who will keep you on track.
Don’t assume that you know it all. Proverbs 3:5-6 MSG

                               and PS here is some of that fruit- Me and most of my grand-babies